MEMO. TO: Lindsey Gosma Donhauser FROM: Brittany Robinson DATE: 09/14/12 SUBJECT: Process for Negative Message Scenario

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1 MEMO TO: Lindsey Gosma Donhauser FROM: Brittany Robinson DATE: 09/14/12 SUBJECT: Process for Negative Message Scenario The following memo documents my process of writing an from a member of the CostClub Promotions Department to an unhappy customer who recently had a bad experience at the store. I feel that improvements can be made just by adjusting the flow and organization of the message, resulting in more effective writing. This memo is an opportunity to greatly enhance my writing skills with routine business messages, and demonstrate my improvement in writing negative messages. In the Negative Message Scenario, I represent a member of the CostClub promotions department. An external customer named Ms. Lisa Hawkins had accumulated 100 CoolCash reward points, and attempted to use those points to buy a product at the store. However, those points were not available for Ms. Hawkins to use, and she was unable to purchase the product. Ms. Hawkins claims that she never used the 100 points, and that she thinks the company may have used it to pay off her 2012 membership fee. Ms. Hawkins is hoping that the company will assume responsibility and offer her a refund. After further inquiry into Ms. Hawkins account by Ron Lewis, the manager of the Costclub store, it is determined that there was no error on part of the company, and that the 100 points were validly used by another cardholder under the same account. Clearly, this news will not make Ms. Hawkins happy, so I must compose the message in a way so that she understands we have looked into the issue with great detail. Through the use of concrete evidence I must explain why we will not be offering her a discount, so that she will be understanding rather than angry. In addition, an alternative resolution should be included, reminding Ms. Hawkins that the members-only site is helpful in looking at the status of her membership and reward points, so that she realizes we are looking out for her best interests to avoid this situation happening again. Finally, the end of the letter should show that we value Ms. Hawkins as a long-term customer, and that we look forward to her continuing loyalty. This process memo will show my improved understanding and skills in composing a negative message denying an important customer s request for adjustment using the indirect/inductive approach. There will be five sections in this memo: 1) scenario introduction (which you are currently reading), 2) early response (my first draft), 3) a personal critique of my early response, 4) my revised response (final draft), and 5) summary of progress. These sections portray the writing and reflective process I took when composing the negative message for Ms. Lisa Hawkins. Copyright 2012 All rights reserved. Brittany Robinson (btrobins@asu.edu) ENG 302 Business Writing Page 1

2 EARLY RESPONSE Promotions Department CostClub Corporate Headquarters 7654 South Cactus Drive Las Vegas, NV January 10, West Sunnyside Drive Glendale, AZ Dear Ms. Hawkins, In response to your letter, we ensure that we have closely examined and carefully considered the use of your reward points, and have taken every measure to ensure an accurate resolution. After checking our records, the missing points have been accounted for. A card issued to Charles Hawkins, the second member on the account, used $100 of CoolCash reward points on 12/23/11 at 6:49 p.m. for the purchase of a jumbo party tray, and therefore was a valid use of the points. Due to company policy, we will not be able to offer you a $100 voucher. You might find the special members-only site helpful for a variety of reasons including: Keeping track of your reward points Tracking the status of your membership Viewing any current or upcoming promotions We hope that you understand our reasoning behind the decision. Our only intention is to ensure that you have a great customer experience with us so that you will continue to be a part of the CostClub family. We look forward to having a long term relationship with you, as we strive to provide the highest customer service. Sincerely, Brittany Robinson CostClub Promotions Department Copyright 2012 All rights reserved. Brittany Robinson (btrobins@asu.edu) ENG 302 Business Writing Page 2

3 CRITIQUE OF EARLY RESPONSE My early response was ineffective because of the problems I had with the flow and choppiness of my sentence organization and word choice. As a result, the message was hard to understand and unclear. To improve the message, I will analyze the strengths and weaknesses of each paragraph. The first paragraph of the message, the buffer, was strong overall. I talked about how the situation was examined closely, and that the company has come up with an accurate resolution. Adding anything else to this paragraph would be unnecessary and impractical information. In the second paragraph, the news and explanation, I originally wrote, A card issued to Charles Hawkins, the second member on the account, used $100 of CoolCash reward points on 12/23/11 at 6:49 p.m. for the purchase of a jumbo party tray, and therefore was a valid use of the points. This sentence, which was the explanation for the news, was ineffective because the sentence was long, and the most important fact about the valid use of the points is placed at the end. The amount of detail causes the important information to be overlooked. Mentioning that the points were used validly is important for Ms. Hawkins to understand, and changing the long sentence into two shorter sentences would be the best way to accomplish this. I would place a period after tray, and make the last part its own sentence, so that Ms. Hawkins will clearly see the importance of this fact. In addition, at the end of this paragraph I wrote, Due to company policy, we will not be able to offer you a $100 voucher. The word voucher in this sentence is very vague, and will confuse the audience. Instead, I could use the word refund, because this will be clearer to Ms. Hawkins. However, the paragraph also had its strengths. I was very clear in stating the news that we will not be able to offer Ms. Hawkins a discount, while offering an explanation that includes exact details on how, when, and where the points were used. This explains exactly why we will not be able to offer her an adjustment, and will result in Ms. Hawkins clear understanding of the situation. The third paragraph, which includes an alternative resolution says, You might find the special members-only site helpful for a variety of reasons including This sentence is ineffective because it includes hedging. Saying You might find this helpful implies that I am not confident in my resolution. Instead, I should be more concrete and say Our special members-only site provides the following features Also, it would make the flow of the message clearer if I included a lead in phrase to the third paragraph. This will prevent Ms. Hawkins from being confused when I offer an alternative resolution. However, the paragraph does have its strengths, including showing that we care about Ms. Hawkins as a customer enough to want to help her prevent this situation happening again. The last paragraph includes, We hope that you understand part of the CostClub family. The beginning of this sentence includes hedging, giving the impression that we are unsure of our decision. This diminishes the effectiveness of the entire message. Therefore, the first sentence should be taken out completely. In addition, the order of the sentences in the last paragraph is Copyright 2012 All rights reserved. Brittany Robinson (btrobins@asu.edu) ENG 302 Business Writing Page 3

4 choppy and unorganized. Instead it should be written as, We strive to provide the highest customer service and ensure that you have a great customer experience with us. We look forward to having a long term relationship with you as a part of our CostClub family. This sentence ends talking about the long term relationship with Ms. Hawkins, as opposed to talking about a general term like customer service. As a result, Ms. Hawkins will feel cared personally, and will likely respond to the call to action. The obvious strength of this paragraph is that we include the most important point: we value Ms. Hawkins as a customer, and want her to continue shopping at our stores. Copyright 2012 All rights reserved. Brittany Robinson (btrobins@asu.edu) ENG 302 Business Writing Page 4

5 Revised Response Promotions Department CostClub Corporate Headquarters 7654 South Cactus Drive Las Vegas, NV January 10, West Sunnyside Drive Glendale, AZ Dear Ms. Hawkins, In response to your letter, we ensure that we have closely examined and carefully considered the use of your reward points on both the corporate and store levels, and have taken every measure to ensure an accurate resolution. After checking our records, the missing points have been accounted for. A card issued to Charles Hawkins, the second member on the account, used $100 of CoolCash reward points on 12/23/11 at 6:49 p.m. for the purchase of a jumbo party tray. This purchase was a valid use of the points. Due to company policy, we will not be able to offer you a $100 refund. In order to help you in the future, we have a special members-only site that provides the following features: Keeping track of your reward points Tracking the status of your membership Viewing any current or upcoming promotions We strive to provide the highest customer service and ensure that you have a great customer experience with us. We look forward to having a long term relationship with you as a part of our CostClub family. Sincerely, Brittany Robinson CostClub Promotions Department Copyright 2012 All rights reserved. Brittany Robinson (btrobins@asu.edu) ENG 302 Business Writing Page 5

6 Summary of Progress What I have learned most from the initial response and the revision in regards to negative messages is that every word counts when you are trying to convey negative news to a valued customer. Every word can have a potentially positive or negative connotation, and therefore should be considered carefully. For example, including phrases such as you might find and we hope you understand are going to seem like we are not confident in our response, and the audience will assume we don t know what we are doing. In regards to offering an alternative resolution to the audience, I have learned the importance of not lecturing the audience and taking the you centered approach. They will see lecturing as blame rather than giving care and attention to their situation. In addition, I realize that before going through this process, I included hedging in my negative messages. Now, when I write a negative message I will always be looking to frame everything in a positive and confident way, focusing on what can be done rather then what can t be done. Realizing that the indirect/inductive approach is best used in a negative scenario has really improved my writing in these situations. The organization of the indirect approach has made my work stronger in obtaining the objective of conveying negative news in a positive way. Specifically, this includes the buffer, showing reason for your choices, stating the bad news in a potentially positive way, offering an alternative solution, and closing the message in a caring way. The biggest takeaway I have from this project is the five characteristics of effective writing. This includes being practical, factual, efficient, including a call to action and WIIFM (what s in it for me-audience centered approach). The characteristics I have improved on the most are being practical and efficient. Now, I will only include information that is necessary to get the message across, while making this information as clear as I can by including specific details to avoid confusion. In addition, I will always look to take out any fluff that isn t necessary and add to the time it takes for the audience to receive the message. Planning and revising my writing while keeping these five important concepts in mind has proven to help my writing be more effective and organized, and will significantly help me with any writing I do in my future career. Copyright 2012 All rights reserved. Brittany Robinson (btrobins@asu.edu) ENG 302 Business Writing Page 6