Applied EI The Importance of Attitudes in Developing Emotional Intelligence

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2 Applied EI

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4 Applied EI The Importance of Attitudes in Developing Emotional Intelligence Tim Sparrow and Amanda Knight

5 Copyright 2006 John Wiley & Sons Ltd, The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex PO19 8SQ, England Telephone (+44) Under the Jossey-Bass imprint, Jossey-Bass, 989 Market Street, San Francisco CA , USA (for orders and customer service enquiries): Visit our Home Page on All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise, except under the terms of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, 90 Tottenham Court Road, London W1T 4LP, UK, without the permission in writing of the Publisher. Requests to the Publisher should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons Ltd, The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex PO19 8SQ, England, or ed to permreq@wiley.co.uk, or faxed to (+44) Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. All brand names and product names used in this book are trade names, service marks, trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective owners. The Publisher is not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold on the understanding that the Publisher is not engaged in rendering professional services. If professional advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Other Wiley Editorial Offices John Wiley & Sons Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, USA Jossey-Bass, 989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA , USA Wiley-VCH Verlag GmbH, Boschstr. 12, D Weinheim, Germany John Wiley & Sons Australia Ltd, 42 McDougall Street, Milton, Queensland 4064, Australia John Wiley & Sons (Asia) Pte Ltd, 2 Clementi Loop #02-01, Jin Xing Distripark, Singapore John Wiley & Sons Canada Ltd, 22 Worcester Road, Etobicoke, Ontario, Canada M9W 1L1 Wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Sparrow, Tim. Applied EI : the importance of attitudes in developing emotional intelligence / Tim Sparrow and Amanda Knight. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN-13: (cloth : alk. paper) ISBN-10: (cloth : alk. paper) 1. Employees Coaching of. 2. Emotional intelligence Study and teaching. 3. Attitude (Psychology) 4. Adaptability (Psychology) 5. Management Psychological aspects. I. Knight, Amanda, II. Title. HF C53S dc British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN (HB) ISBN (HB) Typeset in 11/15pt Goudy by SNP Best-set Typesetter Ltd., Hong Kong Printed and bound in Great Britain by TJ International Ltd, Padstow, Cornwall, UK This book is printed on acid-free paper responsibly manufactured from sustainable forestry in which at least two trees are planted for each one used for paper production.

6 It is not your aptitude, but your attitude that determines your altitude. Zig Ziglar To the CAEI Steering Group David, Jo, John, Matt, Maureen and Richard. For your support, commitment and energy. Thank you.

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8 Contents Who this book is for Introduction Acknowledgements xi xiii xv Part I HOW OUR ATTITUDES UNDERPIN OUR EI 1 1 Why EI now? 3 The ever-increasing pace of change 3 A crisis of meaning 4 The arrival of EI 5 Why is EI the answer? 6 2 IQ and EI 9 The two sides of emotional intelligence 10 The three-layered cake 10 Where do the ideas come from? 12 Four false facts about intelligence 13 EI / EQ / IQ 24 3 What is Applied EI? 25 What is emotion? 25 What are feelings? 26 What is an attitude? 26

9 viii CONTENTS Who controls our feelings? 27 Our definition of EI 28 The five crucial aspects of EI 33 4 The vital importance of attitude 37 Judgement the enemy of understanding 38 Acceptance of self and others I m OK,You re OK 39 The eight principles of emotional intelligence 41 The key determinants of performance: KASH 46 A word about Transactional Analysis (TA) 48 5 Optimising personal performance 55 Body intelligence 56 Minimising your interferences and reducing stress 61 Maximising your potential 68 Optimising your personal performance 72 Part II DEVELOPING EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT ATTITUDES 73 6 Measuring our personal EI 75 Our emotional intelligence model 76 Our emotional intelligence diagnostic tool 78 7 Kind regards 83 1 Self regard 83 2 Regard for others 84 3 Relative regard 84 Raising self esteem / self regard 86 How to develop your self regard 93 How to develop your regard for others Facilitating EI development 1 Meeting 105 Conditional self regard 105 Understanding our conditions of worth 106 Interindividual differences Body awareness Self awareness Awareness of others 122

10 WHY EI NOW? ix 10 Facilitating EI development 2 Being with 127 Combining empathy and real listening 127 Giving strokes Managing oneself Emotional resilience Personal power Goal directedness Flexibility Personal openness and connectedness Invitation to trust The art of relationship management Trust Balanced outlook Emotional expression and control Conflict handling (Assertiveness) Interdependence Knowing oneself Reflective learning Self knowledge (Accuracy of self assessment) 172 Managing interferences day commitment changing a habit 176 Part III APPLYING EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT ATTITUDES The emotionally intelligent organisation 181 Meeting business needs 181 Culture 183 EI and change 186 EI in competencies and appraisals EI in leadership 197 What is emotionally intelligent leadership? 197 Developing emotionally intelligent leadership 206 Authentic leadership being the change 208 Reflecting on your own leadership 215