Readability in Proposals:

Transcription

1 Readability in Proposals: Improve it in Four Easy Steps SAMANTHA ENSLEN Dragonfly Editorial 1 WHAT it is HOW to measure it HOW to improve it WHY it s important 22 1

2 WHAT IS READABILITY? 3 Readability = How EASY it is to read a piece of writing 2

3 high low The fathers of readability bad good The fathers of readability Fleish Kincaid 3

4 The fathers of readability Flesch Kincaid Grade Level Readability Flesh Reading Ease 4

5 They assess % short vs. long words % short vs. long sentences Text with shorter words and sentences More readable 13th 10 5

6 13.5 th 11 2nd 5th 7th 5th 9th 12 6

7 Readability goals Flesch Kincaid grade level = 5th 9th Flesch reading ease 60 HOW DO YOU MEASURE IT? 14 7

8 Microsoft Word 15 Turn on readability 8

9 Options Proofing, Show readability stats 9

10 19 Get readability stats 10

11 HOW DO YOU IMPROVE READABILITY? Simplify sentences 2. Simplify words 3. Shorten sentences & paragraphs 4. Enhance visual presentation 22 11

12 IMPROVING READABILITY: 1. SIMPLIFY SENTENCES IMPROVING READABILITY: KEEP THE VERB NEAR THE SUBJECT 12

13 The dog swallowed. subject (actor) verb (action) The dog swallowed the bone. subject verb object 13

14 The dog swallowed the bone. subject verb (object) 14

15 The dog that I had had since I was a little girl growing up in Broward County, Georgia, living in a run-down shack with a dirt floor for a bed just down the road a piece from my grandma, swallowed the bone. Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of Phase 1 of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts, will be difficult. 15

16 Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts, will be difficult. Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts, 16

17 Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract, including engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection efforts, will be an absolute delight. Managing cost, schedule, and risk aspects of the PMQT 522 contract will be difficult. The challenge is the inclusion of engineering, cybersecurity, and force protection in this effort. 17th 12th 17

18 Plaintiff's testimony that he had never had a back injury and had never been treated by a doctor for a back ailment before this workplace accident is suspect. Plaintiff's testimony that he had never had a back injury and had never been treated by a doctor for a back ailment before this workplace accident is suspect. 18

19 Plaintiff's testimony is suspect. He states that he had never had a back injury and had never been treated by a doctor for a back ailment before this workplace accident. 13th 8th IMPROVING READABILITY: DON T LEAVE THE READER IN SUSPENSE 19

20 For Tasks that require new applications, after Functional Testing; Integration, Checkout and Testing; User Acceptance Test Test Readiness Review; User Acceptance Testing; and an on-site Operational Readiness Review, we submit our application and test plans to the Government Task Manager. For Tasks that require new applications, after Functional Testing; Integration, Checkout and Testing; User Acceptance Test Test Readiness Review; User Acceptance Testing; and an on-site Operational Readiness Review, we submit our application and test plans to the Government Task Manager. 20

21 For Tasks that require new applications, we submit our application and test plans to the Government Task Manager. 10th 9th For Tasks that require new applications, we submit our application and test plans to the Government Task Manager. This is done after Functional Testing; Integration, Checkout and Testing; User Acceptance Test Test Readiness Review; User Acceptance Testing; and an on-site Operational Readiness Review. 21

22 IMPROVING READABILITY: REDUCE NOUNIFICATION verb noun The fathers of readability before after 22

23 Take a verb Decide Manage Conclude Discuss Examine Consider 45 Turn it into a noun Decide Manage Conclude Discuss Examine Consider Decision Management Conclusion Discussion Examination Consideration 46 23

24 Add a bunch of other words Decide Manage Conclude Discuss Examine Consider Make a decision Provide the management of Come to a conclusion Have a discussion about Conduct an examination of Take into consideration 47 We have made a decision to conduct an examination of the secret tomb. We decided to examine the secret tomb. 10th 9th 48 24

25 Our team will provide surveying of facilities, synchronization of survey data, and coordination of logistics activities with base personnel. 49 Our team will provide surveying of facilities, synchronization of survey data, and coordination of logistics activities with base personnel

26 Our team will provide surveying of facilities, synchronization of survey data, and coordination of logistics activities with base personnel. Our team will survey facilities, synchronize survey data, and coordinate logistics activities with base personnel. 17th 15th 51 Our team will provide surveying of facilities, synchronization of survey data, and coordination of logistics activities with base personnel. Our team will survey facilities, synchronize survey data, and coordinate logistics activities with base personnel. 17th 15th 52 26

27 Our team will provide surveying of facilities, synchronization of survey data, and coordination of logistics activities with base personnel. Our team will survey facilities, synchronize survey data, and coordinate logistics with base personnel. 17th 15th 13th 53 IMPROVING READABILITY: REDUCE PASSIVE VOICE 27

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29 The dog swallowed the bone. subject verb object 57 Active voice The dog swallowed the bone. Subject does the action! 58 29

30 Passive voice The bone was swallowed by the dog. Subject is acted upon 59 The plaintiff gave testimony. Testimony was given by the plaintiff. Our team will write the guidelines. The guidelines will be written by our team

31 A national network of experts will be deployed

32 A national network of experts will be deployed BY ZOMBIES. PASSIVE 63 Our Training and Development team will sponsor a series of weekly seminars. ACTIVE 64 32

33 Implementation of the Transition Plan will be carried out quickly and efficiently. 65 Implementation of the Transition Plan will be carried out quickly and efficiently BY ZOMBIES. PASSIVE 66 33

34 All classified media will be correctly marked and proper safeguards for its storage will be followed. 67 All classified media will be correctly marked and proper safeguards for its storage will be followed

35 All classified media will be correctly marked and proper safeguards for its storage will be followed. We will correctly mark all classified media and follow proper safeguards for its storage. 11th 10th 69 Agile development methodologies were successfully implemented and executed for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II

36 Agile development methodologies were successfully implemented and executed for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II. We successfully implemented and executed Agile development methodologies for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II. 71 Agile development methodologies were successfully implemented and executed for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II. We successfully implemented and executed Agile development methodologies for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II

37 Agile development methodologies were successfully implemented and executed for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II. We successfully implemented Agile development methodologies for each of the development efforts we executed under CLOVER II. 20th 18th 73 Free drinks are being served downstairs! 37

38 The streaker was quickly apprehended. IMPROVING READABILITY: 2. SIMPLIFY WORDS 38

39 Replace long with short INSTEAD OF Accordingly Facilitate Immediately Utilize Subsequently Expeditious TRY So Help Now Use Then Fast 77 Replace complex with clear INSTEAD OF Remuneration Liaise Enumerate Corporation Transformation TRY Pay Meet List Firm Change 78 39

40 Replace many words with one INSTEAD OF Until such time as Have a need for Due to the fact that In the event that Has the capability to TRY Until Need Because If Can 79 Readability = 12.8 Due to the fact that the mission critical data items are waterlogged, we have made a decision to put them in the dryer until such time as they are no longer wet

41 Readability = 7 Because the critical data is wet, we are putting it in the dryer. 81 IMPROVING READABILITY: CUT THE CLICHES 41

42 Redundant INSTEAD OF Stated requirements Pre planning New innovations Mission critical Data items End result Previous experience TRY Requirements Planning Innovations Critical Data Result Experience 83 Meaningless fluff INSTEAD OF Experience and expertise A holistic solution Drive synergy Best of breed World class Leading edge, cutting edge Uniquely qualified Leverage our experience TRY Say what you mean 84 42

43 Throat clearing INSTEAD OF It is important to remember that A key aspect of this effort which should not be overlooked is As such It is our intention to TRY Just start your sentence 85 Readability = 13 A critical factor which should not be overlooked is our experience and expertise developing holistic solutions for the Roswell base

44 Readability = 4 We have experience working at the Roswell base. 87 IMPROVING READABILITY: REWORK NOUN PHRASES 44

45 INSTEAD OF TRY Underground mine worker safety protection procedures development 90 45

46 INSTEAD OF Underground mine worker safety protection procedures development TRY Developing procedures 91 INSTEAD OF Underground mine worker safety protection procedures development TRY Developing procedures to protect the safety 92 46

47 INSTEAD OF Underground mine worker safety protection procedures development TRY Developing procedures to protect the safety of workers 93 INSTEAD OF Underground mine worker safety protection procedures development TRY Developing procedures to protect the safety of workers in underground mines 16th 9th 94 47

48 High tempo operational equipment distribution is a strength of our plan. 95 High tempo operational equipment distribution is a strength of our plan. High tempo distribution 96 48

49 High tempo operational equipment distribution is a strength of our plan. High tempo distribution of operational equipment 97 High tempo operational equipment distribution is a strength of our plan. High tempo distribution of operational equipment is a strength of our plan. 13th 12th 98 49

50 In Appendix A, we share our latest tax reform proposals white paper from an accountant s practical viewpoint. 99 In Appendix A, we share our latest tax reform proposals white paper from an accountant s practical viewpoint. In Appendix A, we share our latest white paper

51 In Appendix A, we share our latest tax reform proposals white paper from an accountant s practical viewpoint. In Appendix A, we share our latest white paper. It discusses tax reform proposals from an accountant s practical viewpoint. 11th 8th 101 IMPROVING READABILITY: 3. SHORTEN SENTENCES 51

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53 105 Readability goals Ideal average sentence length = 14 words 53

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55 From working at Apple computers to managing digital networking for grassroots activism to supporting information operations during Operation Iraqi Freedom, this is a truly dynamic team that is poised to meet the tasks and deliverables of this PWS and ensure optimal support to the DOD long in the future. = 50 words 109 IMPROVING READABILITY: ONE SENTENCES = ONE IDEA 55

56 The scope of work performed under this DO The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, 56

57 The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis 57

58 The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides on-demand access for users through services and applications, 58

59 The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides on-demand access for users through services and applications, to enable use via a web interface, The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides on-demand access for users through services and applications, to enable use via a web interface, through the use of new and existing web services 59

60 The scope of work performed under this DO includes all activities necessary to develop a comprehensive tool, or collection of tools, for satellite web-based analysis into the DTXZ environment that provides 29th on-demand access for users through services and applications, to enable use via a web interface, through the use of new and existing web services, while maintaining analytic momentum. 60

61 Our overarching approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture centers on the integration of cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle, with an emphasis on the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation to ensure cybersecurity is a fundamental element of the design. Our overarching approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture centers on the integration of cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle, with an emphasis on the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation to ensure cybersecurity is a fundamental element of the design. Our approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture integrates cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle. 61

62 Our overarching approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture centers on the integration of cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle, with an emphasis on the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation to ensure cybersecurity is a fundamental element of the design. Our approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture integrates cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle. We emphasize the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation. Our overarching approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture centers on the integration of cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle, with an emphasis on the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation to ensure cybersecurity is a fundamental element of the design. Our approach to developing a secure, compliant, and comprehensive ashore and afloat cybersecurity architecture integrates cybersecurity throughout every phase of the systems engineering lifecycle. We emphasize the early phases of system requirements definition, system design, and system test and evaluation. This ensures that cybersecurity 33rd is 18th a fundamental element of the design. 62

63 Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals established and take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard to ensure we meet client goals. Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals established and take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard to ensure we meet client goals. Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals. 63

64 Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals established and take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard to ensure we meet client goals. Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals. He will also take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard. Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals established and take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard to ensure we meet client goals. Our PM tracks performance to ensure that we meet quality goals. He will also take any corrective actions required in the event of a deviation from the standard. This will ensure we also meet client goals. 15th 6th 64

65 IMPROVING READABILITY: TURN NARRATIVE INTO CHUNKS Readability = 27.5 Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a customer s credit, quickly source the needed products within the company s global inventory, and ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time, without having to correct a customer order when the day old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping

66 Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a customer s credit, quickly source the needed products within the company s global inventory, and ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time, without having to correct a customer order when the day old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping. 131 Readability = 16.5 Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a customer s credit, quickly source the needed products within the company s global inventory, and ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time. They no longer must correct a customer order when the day old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping

67 Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a customer s credit, quickly source the needed products within the company s global inventory, and ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time. They no longer must correct a customer order when the day old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping. 133 Readability = 11 Klinger sales representatives can: instantly check a customer s credit, quickly source the needed products within the company s global inventory, and ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time. They no longer must correct a customer order when the day old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping

68 Klinger sales representatives can instantly check a customer s credit, quickly source the needed products within the company s global inventory, and ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time, without having to correct a customer order when the day old inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping. Klinger sales representatives can: instantly check a customer s credit, quickly source the needed products within the company s global inventory, and ensure that the products are shipped to the customer on time. They no longer must correct a customer order when the dayold inventory report reveals a particular batch of printers is no longer in stock or available for shipping

69 Readability = 19.3 A provider based clinic model dictates that outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity, which reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a separate facility fee to be billed this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges and integrated medical records with the main health system. 137 Benefits of a Provider Based Clinic Model Readability = 18.3 In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity, which reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a separate facility fee to be billed this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges and integrated medical records with the main health system

70 Benefits of a Provider Based Clinic Model In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity, which reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a separate facility fee to be billed this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges and integrated medical records with the main health system. 139 Benefits of a Provider Based Clinic Model Readability = 14.3 In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity. This reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a separate facility fee to be billed this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges and integrated medical records with the main health system

71 Benefits of a Provider Based Clinic Model In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity. This reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a separate facility fee to be billed this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges and integrated medical records with the main health system. 141 Readability = 12.4 Benefits of a Provider Based Clinic Model In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity. This reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic It allows for a separate facility fee to be billed this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center In turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges It would also have integrated medical records with the main health system

72 Benefits of a Provider Based Clinic Model In this model, outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity. This reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic It allows for a separate facility fee to be billed this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center In turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges It would also have integrated medical records with the main health system. 143 Readability = 10.5 Provider Based Clinical Model In this model, an outpatient facility operates as part of a larger hospital. This has several benefits: Reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic Increases revenue for the hospital, which can bill the outpatient clinic a facility fee Provides hospital privileges to outpatient doctors Integrates medical records at the clinic and the hospital

73 A provider based clinic model dictates that outpatient facilities can operate under the auspices of the larger medical entity, which reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic while allowing for a separate facility fee to be billed this holds strong revenue potential for the medical center; in turn, the outpatient clinic providers would also have hospital privileges and integrated medical records with the main health system. Provider Based Clinical Model In this model, an outpatient facility operates as part of a larger hospital. This has several benefits: Reduces overhead for the outpatient clinic Increases revenue for the hospital, which can bill the outpatient clinic a facility fee Provides hospital privileges to outpatient doctors Integrates medical records at the clinic and the hospital. 145 Readability

74 And add guideposts IMPROVING READABILITY: SHORTEN PARAGRAPHS 74

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76 When it comes to joint ownership of IP, equal isn t always fair. More owners means more red tape. Collaboration doesn t always mean cooperation. Joint ownership can be a barrier to licensing. The solution: Be clear about terms Good subheads Help tell your story Provide visual guideposts to help readers navigate the text Allow a reader to skim and still get your message 76

77 IMPROVING READABILITY: MAKE IT VISUAL We shove a lot of text on our pages!

78 Where to focus? 155 We do the same thing with our proposals

79 But what if we didn t? 157 Descriptive head & deck

80 Scannable subheads 159 Easy to find benefits

81 Color 161 Graphics

82 White space

83 165 TOOLS FOR MEASURING READABILITY 83

84 Microsoft Word

85 Microsoft Word Visible Thread Hemingway Editor 169 Visible Thread

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89 Hemingway

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92 183 IMPROVING READABILITY: WHY IT S IMPORTANT 92

93 U.S. literacy sucks 11 th grade level 97% of U.S. adults won t understand Source: U.S. Department of Education 2012 Adult Literacy Survey Our attention is dropping seconds seconds Source: 2015 Microsoft survey of Canadian media consumption 93

94 Reviewer Score Proposal Proposal Proposal Proposal Reviewer Score Number of Words Proposal Proposal ,867 Proposal Proposal

95 Reviewer Score Number of Words Flesch Readability Proposal Proposal , Proposal Proposal Reviewer Score Number of Words Flesch Readability Average Sentence Length Proposal words Proposal , words Proposal Proposal Source: City of Albuquerque Case Study: Is poor readability killing your exec summary? Visible Thread website, accessed July 25,

96 RECAP Create readable text Flesch Kinkaid grade level = 5th 9th Flesch Reading Ease 60 Sentence length

97 F K grade level 5th 9th That s visually accessible Sentence length 14 Flesch reading ease Shorten and simplify words How to get there Shorten and simplify sentences Watch for nounification and passive voice Prioritize visual readability

98 How to measure Microsoft Word readability stats Visible Thread Clear Language meter Hemingway Editor

99 Contact me with questions! SAMANTHA ENSLEN Dragonfly Editorial